Quicksilver

September 8, 2009 at 3:20 pm | Posted in Me + Myself + I | 8 Comments
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I confess I have been rather negligent towards this blog whose poor soul has been tangled up in webs and dust in some lone forgotten corner for what seems like centuries now.

Though the reasons for my absence have been many, I still cannot wrap my mind around the fact that I refrained from writing for so long. Actually, my mind has been giving me a lot of trouble in the wrapping department lately. Seems like every time I try to wrap it around something, the darned thing proves itself about as much wrappable as an Electrasol Powergel Dishwater Detergent (with Power-Jet). Messy and slippery, I mean to say.

It has now been exactly 56 days, 20 hours, 28 minutes and 31 seconds since I turned eighteen. And that, to me, is the most un-wrappable thing in existence.

For me, age has always been one of those ‘things’ that every one is forever harping on about along with shopping, shoes and other such unworthy things. Until now, however, I had managed to tuck the whole ‘Age’ thing in a remote corner of my mind, something amounting to ‘just a number’, and nothing more. But now, suddenly, age is no longer about the numbers, but what society calls the ‘deeper stuff.’ I mean, Eighteen. Even the word Eighteen sounds so grown up. Compared to, say Twelve, which seems cheerful, Fifteen, which seems carefree, and Seventeen, which still manages to seem quite friendly, Eighteen sounds too menacing and grim and cold and serious.

And yet, the thing that I’m not able to understand, the thing that’s absolutely driving me mad, the thing I cannot figure out – is why I still cannot come to terms with it, despite trying my best to. That’s the funny thing. I don’t feel eighteen. I’m not talking about feeling ‘grown up’ and all that, just feeling eighteen, for what it is, nothing else.

But now I think of it, it’s not just to do with being eighteen. I’ve always felt any age but my own. Sometimes I feel like a total kid, but at other times I’m weighed down by things and thoughts, far advanced than my age, that scare me that I’m actually a 60 year old trapped in the body of an eighteen year old.

Maybe, as JE puts it, it’s due to my being more interested in eating the cake than in the number of candles it has. Or maybe it’s just due to my mind resembling Electrasol Powergel Dishwater Detergent (with Power-Jet) as usual.

Anyway, of all the darndest things,  ‘acting your age’ is certainly the most difficult. Is it something inherently impossible, or, does it, as with many other things, become better with time? If that’s the case, I hope it proves itself less slippery than Electrasol Powergel Dishwater Detergent (with Power-Jet) in the coming years.

Exams!

January 15, 2008 at 10:03 am | Posted in Me + Myself + I | 2 Comments
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Until very recently I used to be in a fit of nerves whenever there were exams approaching. I’d abandon the usual routine, IMing, listening to music, painting, evening walks by the beach. I’d take them very seriously. But now I’ve come to realise that exams are not as important as I made them out to be all my life. At least, not these kind of exams. The kind that the world thinks are incredibly important for a person to make their lives successful. You have to race through the textbooks, learn whatever is specified in the syllabus, and then pour everything out on paper in a given period of two or three hours. Is this the kind of thing that determines how much far in life you’ll go?

How can you test anything by that? If people want to do that, why don’t they see the whole world as a learning source for students, instead of half a dozen textbooks? Wouldn’t you learn much better this way?

Everyone I know thinks I’m barking mad to have such a kind of view, but I know I’m right anyway. I just wish people were a bit open minded. But until I can make people see sense, I have to give my best on this one.

Biology seems impossible, chemistry OK, physics great as ever, maths more awesome than usual. Languages are in the bag.

They’re just a week away! I wish I had more time until I could be sure I was completely perfect with everything. But perhaps the perfect never arrives. Or perhaps does arrive in time but you refuse to notice it and you continue with your endless attempts.

I can’t believe I’m getting philosophical even on exams.

—————-
Now playing: Anathema – Temporary Peace
via FoxyTunes

Astronomy Domine

January 9, 2008 at 6:13 pm | Posted in Me + Myself + I | Leave a comment
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I attended a physics conference yesterday, which later included stargazing and a quiz, which they’d arranged in honour of Stephen Hawking’s 66th birthday.

I felt that pleasant jolt and wild enthusiasm (that I generally get during every talk involving physics) when I reached the venue half an hour early. But I was a bit disappointed that they had limited it to stuff dealing with basic physics. What they had was a general background of physics and its history.

I was quite happy with the stargazing and stuff. We marked constellations and observed Mars and several stars through telescopes. They gave us loads of advice on the best approach of astronomy, its evolution and history. I am quite overwhelmed by the amount of knowledge already gleaned in this field and even more so by that of the countless questions and puzzles that need to be solved. Astronomy is the oldest of all sciences, and it has been with us for all this time. The sky is like a book that faithfully opens each day when the sun goes down and lies before us to be examined. There’s so much to observe, so much to speculate on, that all the squinting, pointing, and mapping can never be enough.

The most important thing required for study in astronomy is patience, they said. My neck was a bit strained with all the watching and observing and I earned a few funny looks with my wild exclamations whenever I spotted something, but apart from that, I had a really good time and the telescopes were enviable, considerably larger and more powerful than my own.

Stephen Hawking says that if we ever find a theory that describes the whole universe – which is the main goal of science today – it should be able to be unsderstood by everyone: this is how I myself have always viewed as the purpose of all science. It’s amazing how he’s stuck to his passion all his life, and it’s been said he doesn’t view his physical disability as a great barrier after all – the brain remains every bit as ingenious as it ever was. *sigh* I’d die to meet him!

I wish I’d have conferences like these more often (although I would prefer them to be dealing with stuff more than the basic things of course). I would have been overjoyed if we had had a discussion cutting directly to the core of physics. Time travel, black holes, antiparticles, dark matter and energy, the beginning, expansion and end of the universe. And of course, developments on the unified field theory. Perhaps that is asking a bit too much, but, when it comes to physics, you can’t have enough of it after all!

Dream Over

December 30, 2007 at 3:16 pm | Posted in Randomosities + Rubbish | Leave a comment
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At the end of the day, when I lay back down in bed, I surrender myself to my imagination. I never know where my dreams might take me today. I’ve been to places and done things that I might never do in real life.

Dreaming is a curious phenomenon with me. I dream in colour, and in the greatest detail. I always remember my dreams. In some of my dreams, I am aware that I am dreaming whatever I’m dreaming. Though, this is rare, and in most of the cases, the dream is so real and so vivid, that I can literally live the experience.

Today, I had a series of about four dreams (*coughlie-incough*). When I woke up, I knew almost immediately that I’d had a rapid succession of dreams, and all the images and impressions associated with them came flooding back to me. But then it struck me that it never crossed my mind, during the entire period that I was asleep, how I switched between the dreams. I wasn’t aware of moving onto another dream or remembering a previous one.

Anyway, what bothers me is the sensation I get the moment I am out of sleep – the moment I’m awake. Somehow, it leaves me with a sense of emptiness. As if a part of me was taken away. When I have the darkest of dreams – they linger with me in my mind for the rest of the day. I do not give much thought to neutral dreams, while happy ones…hang on; I haven’t had any happy dreams lately. None that I remember. Goodness, and I didn’t even know.

All I know is, something tiny, something sad sets in me once I get out of the dream. What can this mean? Am I becoming addicted to dreaming? Am I scared of facing reality?

I think I’m tangled up too much in my imagination. Wherever I go, whatever I do, it is always at work. Always thinking something. Yearning to get away from the mundane realities of routine life. Making up its own reality… I know this could be quite dangerous. I’m already known to be the most absent-minded person around. Always absorbed in my own thoughts, in some ‘other world’.

When I go to sleep, I try to empty my mind. In surrendering to my dreams, I am taking off the burdens of my life. Reality doesn’t matter in dreams. I have dabbled in dream interpretation and sometimes, they have provided me clues – even helped me out on an occasion or two.

But where can this lead? Either I’m going to end up as a lonely old person with her head in fancies and not knowing her own address or who knows, I could be some writer or scientist!

I hope it’s the second one.

The Slightest Things…

December 18, 2007 at 10:40 am | Posted in Randomosities + Rubbish | Leave a comment
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…make me happy.

I re-organised my wardrobe today. Thank God now mum won’t nag me. I only hope that it stays that way and doesn’t get messy again.

My computer is being super-fast.

I finished rearranging my bookshelves. They look lovely.

This pasta is tasty.

Christmas is almost here.

I bought two new CDs. Maiden and Zeppelin.

I’ve come to realise that though things get rough sometimes, they always get sorted out in the end and that worrying about the uncertain is stupid.

I’m happy being me.

The Science of Deduction

December 12, 2007 at 6:36 am | Posted in Oddities + Oddballs | Leave a comment
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This bloke, just by looking at my Last.fm profile – which is completely devoid of any personal info at all – sketched a whole image of me, true in all its entirety. I was so taken aback (and a little freaked out) I thought it’s probably someone who knows me in real life. It’s so endearingly reminiscent of Holmes working his way through a problem, the way he draws key conclusions from the tiniest details.

Well, in a psychological point of view, I’d like to call you an ambivert – a cross between an introvert and an extrovert. Why, I can of course exemplify that by this very fact – you returned my shout via PM rather than shout. No personal info. There was no avatar either. All proving out to be circumstantial evidence of you being secretive, careful and cautious. And the fact that you prefer buying CDs to downloading music from p2ps tells me that you have a knack for following rules strictly – somewhat like Hermione, I must say : D And the fact that you listen to Metal tells me that you like to be independent, you value freedom of soul, you are dynamic and you’d make a good leader. You are a voracious reader – tells me that you’re not arrogant and egotistic (egocentric people seldom read anything). You listen to Mozart and Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky – suggest open mindedness! You are an atheist or maybe agnostic – I’m not sure, but surely you don’t believe in anything unless it is scientifically proved… excepting Love of course (imitating Dumbledore here :D) And one of your favorite movies is “28 Days Later”. Other than these facts, I can deduce nothing for now : D

It’s not the inferences that amazed me as much as the causes themselves from which he derived them.

He’s read me like an open book, and through the internet. I would have thought that impossible, taking into consideration the fact that I’ve never talked to him, either online or in real life. He just based everything from a seemingly simple thing as a music profile – aside from the music, the groups that I belong to, or the type of avatar I have.

And I thought you couldn’t judge people over the internet – at least, not until you’ve talked to them to get to know them better. Well, perhaps I stand by it to some extent even now; after all, there aren’t many people that have developed the skill that Sherlock Holmes has put as ‘the science of deduction’.

I’m Worried…Again

November 29, 2007 at 8:22 am | Posted in Me + Myself + I | 1 Comment
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Seems like every day has a new unforeseen complication. And worries. Not challenges.
Challenges, unlike worries, are meant to be enjoyed.

So I can’t enjoy these worries. Stupid fucking complications. I never thought I would ever, and I mean, ever, say ‘Oh, why is it always so hard?’ because I’m not so weak.

And wasn’t there always something to be happy about?
Yeah right, right now there’s nothing that I can be happy about. I’m alarmed and frenzied.
But don’t all things come to pass?
Yeah right. This is definitely going to pass but it won’t make the future better off. It’ll be worse.
But come on. I’ve lost so much of my optimism. I’ve faced things worse than this.

OK. Right. Listen. No. I am not stupid because I talk to myself (in this case, type). Everybody talks to themself, right?

Now then. You know what your problem is? You’re a stupid great prat. You worry too much. Far too much. Much more than much. Is there really any need to get so worked up about this? You’ll see a way out of it, OK? And what are you, sixteen? How much of life have you seen? You think you’re big and mighty, and you know it all, but what do you know? When you grow up you’ll be facing things a million times more complicated than this. What about then? What are these silly little worries for, these little things, what are they compared to those you’ll face when you’re older? You’ll reflect on them and laugh at yourself for taking things so seriously. You think you’ll cry someday for taking things so unseriously, but that is not the truth. Know what it is? It’s worry. Worry that feeds off your spirit. Worry that creeps into things. That lurks in your mind. That clutches at your heart.

So stop worrying, OK? And stop imagining the consequences. Don’t you remember the quote you read just this morning? What was it? ‘There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it.’ So stop anticipating the outcome. What’s done is done, so get over with it. It’ll be all right. Plus there’s hardly a month left for Christmas! Oh and please stop thinking of yourself as stupid because you’re talking to yourself. Einstein did that, right? Everybody has two minds, oh, no, dozens of them actually, as you read in The Phantoms in the Brain.

And it’s actually good that you’re typing to yourself. You talk to yourself all the time. It isn’t so unusual. There’s nothing mental about it, and people who say otherwise are prats. Even they do that all the time. In truth, people who talk to themselves are more reflective. More thoughtful.

As for these wee worries. Let them drop. Difficulties aren’t solved by running away from them. If you want the worry to lessen just talk about it to a friend. It’ll make the burden lighter.

*sigh* OK. I won’t worry. (It’s hard.) Nah. It’s not.
Advice from my good mind. I think everybody should listen to themselves.

Haha I’m weird.

Then again…who isn’t?

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