If My World Should Collapse Around Me Tomorrow

April 7, 2008 at 6:20 pm | Posted in Life as I See It | 4 Comments
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One moment, life is all joy and bliss, and the next, adversity and fear. The pleasure, the contentment, the solace. All reduced to dust.

I await and dread my future equally. Perhaps it’s only the next day, the next week. month or year that really frightens me, fills me with a nameless trepidation, because ten years on, twenty years on, it all seems so distant.

Always living in apprehension, living in worries, living in lies, is living while killing yourself inside. And yet, you have to do it. Everyone would like a life free of all care, and yet, the world doesn’t let you have it.

I’m safe today. I’m happy. I know it. But that happiness is marred by the knowledge of what I have in store for me. My present is forever stained by my past, and eternally haunted by my future. I’m caught, always weaving back and forth, sometimes resorting to tears, sometimes trying to laugh it off, and always carrying that sense of burden with me, within me.

If my world collapses around me tomorrow, and I lose everything…what would I be left with? If I should lose my possessions, my comfort, my freedom, what would I have? Would I have a future at all?

But would it be fair for me to say that I have nothing, no future? Am I only dreading it too much, because I’m scared of abandoning the refuge of present? The thing that I dread most will surely come, but it will also come to pass. That’s easy for me to say that at this moment, to resort to the only possible defence I have – hope. But what about when it finally arrives? What would I be like at that time?

I’m thoroughly confused. I hate it, I dread it with all my being and yet a part of me wants to see it come and go. Why do I feel that? I think it’s vertigo, probably. I’m not sure what I want, except that I cannot take any more worry and apprehension. If a thing makes me happy today, but would cause me pain tomorrow, let me have it. If I have to pay with tears for a laugh for today, let me have it.

Sometimes I have the strange feeling that I would like the earth to open up and swallow me whole, and no more be. That I would like to abandon everything, every dream, every joy, every pleasure – and the funny thing is, it’s not suicidal. It’s happy, almost. It’s strange. It’s an urge of relinquishing everything, whether good or bad.

It would be easy for me to continue to hope, continue to delude myself, into a sense of security. It would be equally easy for me to despair. Whatever way I choose, it’s going to happen. Whatever happens, tomorrow will come. I live, for better or worse.

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  1. If your world collapsed tomorrow the people who love you would be there the in moments to help you rebuild. You must trust that this is so. In the end it is all about trusting your heart and soul to guide you to a place where you belong. I am Bekki. Nice to meet you. I hope all goes well for you. I don’t know your struggle or what is coming up for you, but I will hope with you for the best.

  2. Thanks for that little piece of advice. I’ll remember that.
    Nice to meet you too. :]

  3. My first thought when seeing a new post on your blog was “hey, nice to see you’re back”. Now I realize that is completely inappropriate.

    It would be unfair of me to pretend that I know what you’re going through, but I resonate with some of the contradictory emotions you’ve described. From those memories I created this image:
    Our life is like a glass plate on top of a pyramid. Living every day, we add another rock to the pyramid beneath us, and the peak becomes smaller and smaller. When the wind blows, it fills us with fear that the glass will fall. In that primal emotion our field of consciousness narrows, and we no longer see our friends, family, selves as pillars supporting the glass. In those moments our mind can see only the endless way down.
    This glass plate is pretty steady, however. Life has a way of working out, it seems. Some call it a supernatural force, or collective consciousness, or chaos, or luck. Or maybe it’s just a defense mechanism in our brains.
    But even if the fall does occur, the glass plate does not shatter into a thousand pieces, falling to the bottom like we would expect. Instead it levels out the topmost step of the pyramid, and then it slides onto the next level which, being larger, supports it better. The next day we can start building from there.

    (From what I’ve said so far it would result that I am a very confident person who deals with hardship easily. That couldn’t be farther from how I really am. This is why I think what I’ve said might make no sense to you right now.)

    Good luck tomorrow, no matter what life keeps under the curtain. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.

  4. Aww, thank you so much.

    That’s such a brilliant metaphor…I could never come up with something like that. And it does make sense to me, every word of it.


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